Struggles of the artist

5E Curtis Wong

Claire was furious.

She wasn’t angry because of her online friends on discord, she wasn’t angry because of her dad, she wasn’t angry because of her brother, for once in her life.

She was angry because of herself.

Fresh, red scars littered her hands, as she scolded herself for every stroke. Every sketch she’d scrapped, every pen she’d worn down, piled up in the gloomy corner, reminding Claire of her fruitless struggles.

She screamed in frustration. Another sketch scrapped. She kept banging her head on her desk, until tears weren’t the only thing flowing down from her cheek, head resting on her chaotic desk…

How…how did I get here…?

It had all started a few weeks ago, when she was just chilling in the cafe with Margaret and Kyle. There, Margaret took out a flyer, showing the details of…

‘An Art competition?’

‘Yeah!’ Margaret smiled. ‘I know Claire-san draws quite well, and some lady gave this flyer to me on the way here. I’m not good at drawing, but maybe Claire-san…’

Claire scanned the poster. Wait…

‘Claire-chan? What’s wrong?’

‘N…nothing!‘ Claire shook her head. Pocketing the poster. She replied ‘Margaret, thanks for letting me know. I’ll definitely consider joining.’

’Great! Be sure to have fun!’

After many sleepless nights (or days, depending on Claire’s mood), she was now ready to take her drawing onto that stage to prove her worth in front of everyone.

As she handed in her drawing along with the many others, she noticed the judges up on the stage. And among them, was one of the most famous young artists - Aiden Smith

Claire looked up to him as a role model, as his art skills were expressed in many gorgeous artworks that Claire had admired. She knew that each and every artwork was going to be judged publicly and anonymously, so she had rigorously studied his preferences, and drew something she hoped that Aiden would at least approve of.

As each and every painting was appraised and judged, Claire definitely had butterflies in her stomach, but she was certain that her hard work would pay off.

It didn’t take very long until Claire’s work was under the eye of the judges. Most of the judges didn’t give much comments to the artwork, but …

‘What is this?’

The hall silenced. Claire stared at the stage, looking up towards Aiden. He doesn’t look pleased at all… what did I do wrong?

‘This painting, it’s just… I’m sorry to whoever drew this, but I don’t think you have the talent to become an artist.’

The other judges, and even the crowd, began to erupt in discussion. Claire’s heart sank. W… what did she mean by that?

‘The colours clash with the shapes and lining … and the message they’re bringing… it’s just not there… It’s just like someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing… I can feel the effort, but I cannot see any artistic talent here.’

Talent.

Talent.

Claire looked down at herself. Am I… really not fit for being an artist?

As discussion of the surrounding crowd grew louder, she could hear more and more people flame at her drawing that she had worked so hard on…

She could hear Aiden praising another competitor for her effort, her talent… everything that Claire didn’t have…

After that horrible seminar, Claire sulked into her room, holding up the paintings of her competitors, and tried to replicate their style, to create something similar to those who were naturally gifted, latching onto the hope that she could be just like them, talented.

But however hard she tried, there was always something wrong. The colors were off, the lining was too blurry… she threw away each imperfect drawing she had, she had to. She had to prove that she had the intrinsic skill to draw, just like those who joined the competition. But attempt after attempt after attempt…

She failed, and grew more frustrated and desperate with each curled up paper ball, punishing herself for not drawing up to the ‘standard’… up until now…

‘Claire!’

Huh? Claire heard a familiar voice, barging in from the door.

‘Claire!’ Katie dashed towards the brown haired girl.

‘K…Katie?’

‘Oh my god! Claire, are you ok? Your head is bleeding!’ Katie exclaimed. ‘I’ll bring you some bandages, ok?’

Claire nodded faintly, as Katie slowly carried Claire to her bed, clearing away all of Claire’s failed drafts. Katie called out to Claire’s brother for some bandages, while Claire unfurled one of her failed artworks. It seemed like every mistake was screaming at her, telling her to stop drawing, that she didn’t deserve to keep drawing, that she ----

The scrunched up drawing disappeared in front of Claire’s eyes. ‘Stop slouching over your drawings, and let me treat your head wound, ok?’

Claire wanted to push her away, to argue that she needed to keep drawing, but a sudden pain in her head shut her mouth as she let Katie work on her wounds.

‘Claire, did you know how much we were worried about you? You haven’t logged on to discord for almost a week!’ Katie scolded, half expecting Claire to bite back at her comment, but no response came from the artist.

Claire flinched as Katie's hands touched one of Claire’s hand wounds. Noticing the many scars Claire had on her hand, Katie knew something was up.

‘Claire…’ Katie whispered as she took out the disinfectant. ‘What happened to you? Something on your mind?’

‘None of your — Ow! — business!’ Claire let out a screech as Katie applied the disinfectant and taped a bandage on her forehead.

‘No, Claire,’ Katie cupped Claire’s head. "We're a team, right? We can definitely go through what you’re going through, together.’

Katie then looked down at Claire’s arm wounds. ‘And it hurts me so much to see you treating yourself like this. So can you just please tell me what’s going on…’

Claire rolled over on her bed and covered herself with her pillow. She didn’t want to tell anyone about this, but she wanted to, no, she had to be in this. Alone. She didn’t want to drag anyone else in, her talent was her own issue and hers alone.

Frowning at Claire’s behaviour, Katie unfurled Claire’s crumpled drawing. The drawing was about… a girl locking herself up, shutting the windows of her house as she looked down as a crowd behind her spoke against her. Looking more closely, the girl seemed to have dark brown hair, just like…

‘Claire?’

No response.

‘Is this you? On the drawing, I mean.’

‘It… it isn’t. I just… drew what I had in mind…’

‘Then maybe your mind told you to draw this. As your cry for help.’

‘Just give that back! It’s not a good painting! There are still so many imperfections and mistakes!’

‘Claire, what do you mean? This looks pretty good!’

‘No, you don’t understand…’

Katie wanted to press on, she knew the painting meant something to Claire, something she had been hiding from the others for the past week. She was clearly reluctant to tell, but Katie didn’t want to hurt Claire more than she had already hurt herself…

Staring out the window, Katie remembered that day on the rooftop, where Claire had confronted her when she needed it the most…

I don’t want to see you looking sad. Every time I see you in pain, I just feel so uneasy….

If it’s painful for you to talk to me, you don’t need to…

I’ll stay by your side for as long as it takes…

Katie looked at Claire again. Lifting her scarred hand up, Katie suddenly felt her heart sink. Is she… feeling the same way that I did back then?

Katie sat down on the bed, right next to Claire. ‘You know, you don’t have to tell me everything right now.’

Claire’s body flinched, and she slowly turned around.

‘Maybe I can relate to your problems, maybe not. But still, I don’t ever want to see you so… devastated. It makes my heart break.’

‘So if you want to tell me about it, I’m always here for you. If you’re not, I’m willing to wait until the day you feel comfortable enough for you to tell me. But please.’

Katie grabbed Claire’s hands tightly. ‘I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I don’t want to ever see you treat yourself like that ever again. It will make everyone’s heart break. Me, your sibling, Margaret and the others… we would be crushed if you gave up on what you had done.’

Claire slowly sat up, facing Katie with teary eyes. ‘You did not… just use the dialogue from that cheesy film we watched that day…’’

Katie nodded with a grin. ‘Well. Two can play that game.’

As Claire erupted to tears, she fell into Katie’s grasp, the two girls holding each other tight. A tear streamed down Katie’s cheek, as they comforted each other in a warm embrace. Maybe the girls have secrets that aren’t ready to tell yet, maybe they still haven’t reached their destination...

But they certainly have each other,

And for now, maybe that’s all they need.

Designed by 5B Percy Shek and 5C Daniel Mok